Regnat Populus

The people rule.

Rubberneckers

Posted by Max Barron on January 8, 2009

Since the advent of the national highway and interstate system a new breed of human has emerged, the Homo sapien driverus or Homo driverus, for short.  In the years since the creation of the interstate system, commuting between outlying suburbs and metropolitan areas for work has increased in popularity.  With that increase came a branching out of the subspecies.  Three new sub subspecies diverged, creating Homo driverus noseyensis (nOs-E-Nsis), erraticus (err-at-i-cus) and tooslowinae (too-slO-in-A).  More commonly these are known as rubberneckers (or nosey drivers), bad drivers and Sunday drivers, respectively. 
 
Driverus erraticus and tooslowinae are an annoyance to the average Homo driverus.  However, it is the driverus noseyensis that wins the complete nuisance award.  The driverus noseyensis, as my fellow commuters and I can attest, is the bane of any commuter’s daily routine.  These rubberneckers are mesmerized by flashing lights of any color, be they red, blue, white, or amber.  If there are flashing lights near the side of the road, these drivers will react like a shoe addicted woman passing a Manolo Blahnik window display.  That is to say, screech to a complete halt and stare like they’re viewing the promised land.  Unlike the shoe fetish maven, the driverus noseyensis will cause massive delays for everyone behind them (some to the tune of hours long); whereas, the maven will only be in your way for a brief moment.  Distance is not a factor for the nosey driver.  If there are “pretty flashy lights” on the other side of a 8 lane spread, you can bet dollars to donuts that they are as equally interested as they would be if it were right in front of them… and they’ll stop like it were, too.  This from the same species who, much like their cousins, driverus erraticus, can regularly be seen sending text messages and email from their Blackberry, while driving 80mph.  Science has yet to explain how these idiots can manage to make liberal use of their accelerators with a Blackberry or cell phone in front of their faces, yet are some how given to making full use of their Anti-Lock Brakes to view the plight of some other driver on the side of the road.  Be it someone getting a ticket, fixing a flat tire, broken down, or a full blown accident, the nosey driver will be sure to gawk, causing extended delays for the unfortunate Homo driveruses behind them. 
 
Due to the scattered habitations and sheer volume of the rubbernecked nosey driver, there are no concentrated pockets of them to avoid if you do not wish to encounter one.  Instead one can only hope that, during the dreaded daily commute, there are no roadside distractions with which to occupy the attentions of  the SUV wielding, ADD, Curious George jackasses.  If there is any type of ironic karma in this world, the rubberneckers will eventually plow into a guard rail and provide fodder for their fellow nosey drivers.

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